Crack

There was this one time, last night, when I was nervous, and unthinkingly asked a boy if I looked okay. He put his large hand over my face so that he could not see it and only my body and said, "you look alright." 

Lake

You are like my favorite lake.

If I were to go in, I know I would freeze to death,

Yet I can't help but dip my whole self in at full force.

-a.y.

I don't know what to do other than to wallow in my sadness because you've stopped caring about me and I keep begging for you to stay. 

-a.y.

Breathing Hitches.

As he strolled through the open doorway, the first thing I noticed were his curls. Dark and a chocolate brown, I was impressed by their buoyancy. His tall, lanky frame fit them well and one could tell that his body was something he was comfortable with. He wore dark pants with holes at the knees and a t-shirt that was a crisp white. It was funny really, how when he opened his mouth to speak, all I saw was his jaw bones and full lips moving, never even noticing that the voice that emerged was even more beautiful than the rest of him.

But then, my eyes wandered up to his.

A shocking emerald green hid behind his long dark lashes, making them a different shade every time he blinked. If eyes truly were the window to the soul, I knew right then that I could look into his for the rest of forever and still never know him fully.

That’s when I noticed I wasn't breathing. 

Feel

i just want to feel you
skin to skin
tracing and memorizing
every cell of your being.

-a.y.

To

Hands to waist, fingers to hair.

Back to wall, lips to lips.

Feet to stairs, body to bed.

Lips to hips, eyes to mine.

Smirk to curves, shivers to spine.

Clothes to floor, your body to mine.

Mind to reality. Back in time.

This Way

I have not felt this way in a long time. 

Infatuated almost, with the idea of you. 

You fill every crevice in my jumbled mind.

I watch you move and your smirk makes my whole being shiver. 

The dreams are vivid, but so are you. 

For once reality is better than my dreams.

But it's risky, and I'm scared. 

Maybe I don't even know you as well as I thought I did. 

Maybe the smirk was not meant for me at all.

Maybe the way you held me that night was just a moment in which we both felt lonely. 

I am conflicted, but I have not felt this way in a long time.

i told you

I told you my fears,

my secrets,

my hopes,

my dreams,

my soul,

my every thought,

every part of my anatomy,

and then you left.

-a.y

All I Know

All I know is that I'm lonely and I'm missing something.

Like it's right there and I'm about to reach out and grasp it in my hands but it's snatched away much too quickly and all I got was a glimpse. Not enough to know what it is but enough to wonder whether or not it is worth missing. 

I guess I just miss the feeling of being needed somewhere. 

Knowing I'm not your number 1 is eating me up inside. It'll always be him. The boy you chose over your best friend. It's okay though really I don't mind being alone. And one day I'll finally meet someone who will make me realize why I never felt this way about anyone else. He'll maker realize that being lonely for all this time has been worth it for him.

I'm not going to run back to you. I'm not insecure. I don't need a man to tell me I'm pretty. I know that. 

But it's nice to be held. It's nice to know you can call them after a bad day. It's nice to feel needed. 

So I guess that's why I'm lonely. I miss the feeling of having someone. You were my someone. But you left me and I'm left with nothing. 

Oh dear.

Drunk

But I've been drinking not because of what you said, but because of what I said and the silence that followed. How you didn't even speak when I told you how I felt completely rejected and alone. Like you didn't even want me. Words mean nothing. They're all just empty and forgotten. I hate you for making me feel like I could trust you. I hate you for taking your brother's advice. I hate you for leaving me here with empty promises. I hate you for hurting me. I hate you for saying "this is going to work" repetitively. I hate you for lying.

But most of all I hate you because I'm drunk and you never even let me try to be your everything.

A Poem of Forgiveness

The sympathy in your eyes was too much for me.

I see past the mask of "I'm sorry."

For you never knew how much that meant to me.

The last breath that I explained was the death of somebody.

Yet you laughed behind your mask of insecurity.

Sending me into a world full of memory.

For you never knew how much that meant to me. 

The scars that I breathed from the depths of my history.

Now I live with the moments you gave me.

In hopes that somehow you'll find your own serenity.

For you'll never know how much that meant to me.

The scars fading away into the grasp of our story.

Lonely

It is 11:51pm and I am lonely.

Missing you has grown on my heart like a tumor. 

I am unable to shake the sensation of your heat against my lips. 

For the feeling is different for me now. 

Because I am feeling not only your own, but his as well. 

And it makes me lonely to think that I have both but really I have nothing. 

A Little Death

I thought I was going to die this morning. 

The pain in my abdomen was causing me to pass in and out, my temperature was so high I felt like I was playing roulette with the sun, I was drenched in a cold swear that made me feel as if I was drowning, and every now and then I would keel over in moans trying to subside the pain. 

The only thought running through my mind was what if I do die. I wanted to tell my family I loved them and I wanted to hold my best friend for the last time. I wanted to curl up in his arms and let him hold and comfort me until I fell asleep. 

I didn't want to die. Dying-as stated in a previous post-entails leaving. No return. As John Green writes in his novel The Fault In Our Stars, "I fear oblivion." 

Fortunately for me, I did not die. Although it felt very similar to dying, I managed to push through the pain and keep my act together. But in those moments all I longed for was a human touch. And not just any human either, him. 

His very being has been locked and sealed into my brain like my favorite song lyrics. I see him etched into my skin like a love letter read a million times but I still can't get enough. 

Dramatic? Yes. Cheesy? Yes. 

But do I love him? Unconditionally.

And it only took a little death to realize I needed him. 

Goodbyes

I actually hate goodbyes. But really who doesn't? I mean they're long, tearful and everybody dreads them. But in that moment saying goodbye to him was probably the worst feeling I've ever felt. My insides almost fell out of my butt, my heart was running a marathon, my head was trying to keep it together as I breathed him in, and worst of all, I didn't even know what to say. I think the only worse than goodbyes, is last words. What do you say? "Goodbye, it's been real, peace out." I mean I definitely could have said that, except for the fact that I already looked like an idiot just sitting there in his truck about to start bawling. Gah. It's going to be a long two weeks if I miss him this much already.
Goodbye, it's been real, peace out.

Nothing Can Compare

Nothing can compare

To the long moments I think of you.

The look in your eyes that gives me the courage to say how I feel instead of burying it deep inside my soul. 

Nothing can compare 

To the way your body moves in time with mine. 

The sparks of a forest fire rushing through the tips of our fingers when our hands brush up against the other. 

The fire burning in my heart churns and I feel your lips pressed firmly against mine. 

Nothing can compare 

To the way I see you.

A being so elegant words can't explain. 

As my heart leaps in my chest I feel the wall press against my back as you pull me into your arms. A safe and warm embrace. 

Nothing can compare 

To the way I wake up craving you.

You. The better half of me that always will be someone else's.

For this is a dream I can only compare to a kiss. 

Say Yes by Andrea Gibson

When two violins are placed in a room

if a chord on one violin is struck

the other violin will sound the note

if this is your definition of hope

this is for you

the ones who know how powerful we are

who know we can sound the music in the people around us

simply by playing our own strings

for the ones who sing life into broken wings

open their chests and offer their breath

as wind on a still day when nothing seems to be moving

spare those intent on proving god is dead

for you when your fingers are red

from clutching your heart

so it will beat faster

for the time you mastered the art of giving yourself for the sake of someone else

for the ones who have felt what it is to crush the lies

and lift truth so high the steeples bow to the sky

this is for you

this is also for the people who wake early to watch flowers bloom

who notice the moon at noon on a day when the world

has slapped them in the face with its lack of light

for the mothers who feed their children first

and thirst for nothing when they’re full

this is for women

and for the men who taught me only women bleed with the moon

but there are men who cry when women bleed

men who bleed from women’s wounds

and this is for that moon

on the nights she seems hung by a noose

for the people who cut her loose

and for the people still waiting for the rope to burn

about to learn they have scissors in their hands

this is for the man who showed me

the hardest thing about having nothing

is having nothing to give

who said the only reason to live is to give ourselves away

so this is for the day we’ll quit or jobs and work for something real

we’ll feel for sunshine in the shadows

look for sunrays in the shade

this is for the people who rattle the cage that slave wage built

and for the ones who didn’t know the filth until tonight

but right now are beginning songs that sound something like

people turning their porch lights on and calling the homeless back home

this is for all the shit we own

and for the day we’ll learn how much we have

when we learn to give that shit away

this is for doubt becoming faith

for falling from grace and climbing back up

for trading our silver platters for something that matters

like the gold that shines from our hands when we hold each other

this is for the grandmother who walked a thousand miles on broken glass

to find that single patch of grass to plant a family tree

where the fruit would grow to laugh

for the ones who know the math of war

has always been subtraction

so they live like an action of addition

for you when you give like every star is wishing on you

and for the people still wishing on stars

this is for you too

this is for the times you went through hell so someone else wouldn’t have to

for the time you taught a 14 year old girl she was powerful

this is for the time you taught a 14 year old boy he was beautiful

for the radical anarchist asking a republican to dance

cause what’s the chance of everyone moving from right to left

if the only moves they see are NBC and CBS

this is for the no becoming yes

for scars becoming breath

for saying i love you to people who will never say it to us

for scraping away the rust and remembering how to shine

for the dime you gave away when you didn’t have a penny

for the many beautiful things we do

for every song we’ve ever sung

for refusing to believe in miracles

because miracles are the impossible coming true

and everything is possible

this is for the possibility that guides us

and for the possibilities still waiting to sing

and spread their wings inside us

cause tonight saturn is on his knees

proposing with all of his ten thousand rings

that whatever song we’ve been singing we sing even more

the world needs us right now more than it ever has before

pull all your strings

play every chord

if you’re writing letters to the prisoners

start tearing down the bars

if you’re handing our flashlights in the dark

start handing our stars

never go a second hushing the percussion of your heart

play loud

play like you know the clouds have left too many people cold and broken

and you’re their last chance for sun

play like there’s no time for hoping brighter days will come

play like the apocalypse is only 4…3…2

but you have a drum in your chest that could save us

you have a song like a breath that could raise us

like the sunrise into a dark sky that cries to be blue

play like you know we won’t survive if you don’t

but we will if you do

play like saturn is on his knees

proposing with all of his ten thousand rings

that we give every single breath

this is for saying–yes

this is for saying–yes

I'll fight if you fight.

You can't tell me you don't feel anything. 

You can't say this isn't real. 

You can't pretend these feelings don't exist. 

You can't just walk away.

Because you do feel something. 

You do think it's real. 

You know these feelings exist. 

And walking away is nearly impossible. 

I'll fight if you fight. 

For this.

For us. 

So Easy

It's so easy with you.

Leaving all the bad behind,

I make room for your beautiful soul.

It's so easy with you.

In The Moments

In the moments that I felt it,
The long-awaited laughter,
The knowing glances,
The slow touches,
The late night conversations,
The dreadful goodbyes,
I knew you felt it too.

Scared

I'm scared.
Like really scared.
The kind of scared where you actually start shaking and you voice is wobbling and your trying so hard to be brave but you just can't because your scared.
And I'm trying my hardest to be brave but I'm really, really scared.
Scared of losing you. Scared of knowing you. Scared of touching you. Scared of being with you. Scared of letting you know me. Scared of loving you. Now that's scary.
Loving someone? That means letting go of what ties you down to the world. That means letting someone else touch you in the deepest and dustiest corners of your heart. The corners that haven't been touched for ages since he left you.
And what happens if it doesn't work out? What if he decides to leave you or hurt you? What if he decides he doesn't belong with you? What if he leaves. Without explanation. What if it doesn't work out?
Ah, but what if it does.
What if the dustiest corners of your heart are meant for him? What if he loves you unconditionally and makes you the person you want to be? What if you get married and have a million children and they all idolize their parents relationship so much that they want a relationship like that of their own? What if it was meant to be?
I'm scared.
Like really scared.
And the voice in the back of my mind says it might not work out.
But my heart says, "Ah, but what if it does."

My Forest Fire

It wasn't just a spark anymore. 

It was a forest fire.

Flaming and out of control we laughed.

And my heart leaped out of my chest. 

Just feeling your body heat next to me was lighting the spark that was now a forest fire taking over my very being. 

Because he makes me want to be a better person. 

He makes me a better person. 

He is my forest fire. 

God's Hand

Where is God's hand in a situation where a man beats his wife senseless in order for him to feel anything but numb?
Where is God's hand when a child unexpectedly dies when the parent looks away for two seconds?
Where is God's hand when your friend gets a disease that only miracles can cure?
Where is God's hand in the worst situations that you could possibly imagine?
Where is God's hand? Because I don't see it here. There is no control here. What do these people get out of their suffering? Pain? Grief?
And then I thought, "Ah, but what if these people grow? What if these people needed that in order to be who God created them to be? What if those difficult situations were tools to help us become closer to God?"
Why couldn't it be easy?
My answer to that is if we had easy, then we wouldn't know God in a depth that would bring us closer to him. We would be cold and distant. Only taking in God through stories other people tell, not our own.
So there is control in God's hand. And there always will be.

For Now

So this is what it feels like
Up late into the night
I don't like the sounds
Your voice echoes in my mind

Your body is a haunting hourglass
Sand dripping in my head
An overwhelming feeling
of the road and where it should have lead

I would have loved you back
Given everything I had
I would have been your first
And your very last

Because you deserve the 3:00 am "I love you's"
And the fights that lead to love
You deserve an epic fantasy
With all of the above

But you turned and walked away
With everthing you had
You got up and packed the boxes
Leaving me so sad

And every day is torture
Seeing you is scarce
But when I see you, it's with her
For me there's no second glance

I'm reminded of the way you looked at me
The way you never look at her
I hope you see my pleading eyes that say
"I wanted to love you first"

But now I'm left with memories
Screaming in my head
When all I want is you beside me
Laying in my bed

One day you'll see that I love you
Maybe not tomorrow or the next
But for now I'll love you right
In the ways it should be meant

Get Home Safe

The issue with loving someone else, is that once you start loving them, you can't stop.
Everything they do becomes everything you do, and your lives become so intertwined, even if you're not actually together. You sit, worrying about whether or not they made it home okay and send them a text saying "Get home safe."
That "get home safe" means something. It means, "If you were anything but safe right now I'd be at your side in an instant." It means, "Don't you dare leave me tonight because then I won't live to see the next day." It means, "I love you." And if you get a "get home safe" you're sure as hell getting an "I love you." Because if that person doesn't get home safe, you're screwed as well. Because them getting home safe, is all that matters.
Have you ever sat on the couch waiting for someone to come home? And when they don't get home on time or when you thought they would or said they'd be home, you panic?
That's me right now. I'm losing it. Because if my whole world doesn't get home safe right now, I will search for them until the ends of the earth collide.
The problem is, is that we're not actually together.
But even though we're not, I want him to get home safe.
I guess I'll hit send, just so he can know I want him home safe.

Friday Norms

It's been a long day.
Every time I tried to hold in the tears I was struck with the realization that my friend was dying. Then, because the universe has decided to hate me, my school made me see a play about the exact same thing my friend was dying from.
Cancer.
And let me tell you, it was not a happy play. I was not happy. Normally I would be considering that I'd be skipping my last two classes to see it. But I wasn't.
I feel like by now I should be moving on and not crying anymore but I can't stop. AND I have work in an hour. Great.

Control

Today I found out that someone very dear to my friend and myself, was dying.
When my friend told me this, I covered my hand with my mouth and sat for a few minutes speechless.
What was I supposed to say? That everything would be alright? Everything was not alright. He is dying. He had two weeks to live. He is dying and it is not going to be alright.
Immediatly, my first reaction was to get up and go somewhere alone so I could silently scream at God for the mess He'd created. Didn't He see what He was doing to the people who loved him?
I left my friend and stood in front of the school's bathroom mirror begging myself not to cry. I didn't want my friend to see me like this. I was not going to cry. I was not the weak one. She knew him better anyways, so why was I feeling so torn?
Because it was death. Death is final. There is no "oops" or "my mistake, here's your life back." There's only death. And he is a million years too young to have cancer that is so fatal he is going to die.
I felt as if my throat was going to cave in and I got a headache trying to hold in the tears for the rest of the day. My friend who knew him better was struggling with this MUCH more than I was. But she was holding it together oh so very well. The only feature that gave her away was her empty eyes when she looked at you. The eyes that begged "No. Don't take him yet. I am not ready."
He is not supposed to die. Not now. Not like this. God can't just take him. Death is final. My friend would be gone.
Gone. No. Not gone.
The realization hit my like a train on the tracks. His life was only just beginning. And as much as I hated to see him go, Heaven was where he belonged. Flying with angels and listening to God speak. Watching over her.
I still get angry at God. I am still angry with God. I want to scream and cry and throw things out windows, but I have to remember through all my mourning that it is not in my hands. This situation, is not in my hands.
I have no control.
God does.
I will be angry, confused, scared.
But God is in control.
And yes it's going to take a long time for my friend to be okay again.
But God is in control.
And I am going to cry for as long as she does. (My heart feels swollen with empathy.)
But God is in control.
And I must remember that through all of this.
Pray for a miracle? Yes please.

Only Today

i realized only today that i loved you

i watched as your body leaned in to laugh at my smile

i don’t think you even noticed as i bit my lip

watching you move was making me insane

and when i grabbed your wrist to push you away tauntingly

the grease from your bike running down your fingers

reaching for my face

i saw the look your eyes gave me

i realized again that i loved you

yet i could never have you

because we both realized then that you had met someone new

and she was waiting for you inside.