Goodbyes

I actually hate goodbyes. But really who doesn't? I mean they're long, tearful and everybody dreads them. But in that moment saying goodbye to him was probably the worst feeling I've ever felt. My insides almost fell out of my butt, my heart was running a marathon, my head was trying to keep it together as I breathed him in, and worst of all, I didn't even know what to say. I think the only worse than goodbyes, is last words. What do you say? "Goodbye, it's been real, peace out." I mean I definitely could have said that, except for the fact that I already looked like an idiot just sitting there in his truck about to start bawling. Gah. It's going to be a long two weeks if I miss him this much already.
Goodbye, it's been real, peace out.

Nothing Can Compare

Nothing can compare

To the long moments I think of you.

The look in your eyes that gives me the courage to say how I feel instead of burying it deep inside my soul. 

Nothing can compare 

To the way your body moves in time with mine. 

The sparks of a forest fire rushing through the tips of our fingers when our hands brush up against the other. 

The fire burning in my heart churns and I feel your lips pressed firmly against mine. 

Nothing can compare 

To the way I see you.

A being so elegant words can't explain. 

As my heart leaps in my chest I feel the wall press against my back as you pull me into your arms. A safe and warm embrace. 

Nothing can compare 

To the way I wake up craving you.

You. The better half of me that always will be someone else's.

For this is a dream I can only compare to a kiss. 

Say Yes by Andrea Gibson

When two violins are placed in a room

if a chord on one violin is struck

the other violin will sound the note

if this is your definition of hope

this is for you

the ones who know how powerful we are

who know we can sound the music in the people around us

simply by playing our own strings

for the ones who sing life into broken wings

open their chests and offer their breath

as wind on a still day when nothing seems to be moving

spare those intent on proving god is dead

for you when your fingers are red

from clutching your heart

so it will beat faster

for the time you mastered the art of giving yourself for the sake of someone else

for the ones who have felt what it is to crush the lies

and lift truth so high the steeples bow to the sky

this is for you

this is also for the people who wake early to watch flowers bloom

who notice the moon at noon on a day when the world

has slapped them in the face with its lack of light

for the mothers who feed their children first

and thirst for nothing when they’re full

this is for women

and for the men who taught me only women bleed with the moon

but there are men who cry when women bleed

men who bleed from women’s wounds

and this is for that moon

on the nights she seems hung by a noose

for the people who cut her loose

and for the people still waiting for the rope to burn

about to learn they have scissors in their hands

this is for the man who showed me

the hardest thing about having nothing

is having nothing to give

who said the only reason to live is to give ourselves away

so this is for the day we’ll quit or jobs and work for something real

we’ll feel for sunshine in the shadows

look for sunrays in the shade

this is for the people who rattle the cage that slave wage built

and for the ones who didn’t know the filth until tonight

but right now are beginning songs that sound something like

people turning their porch lights on and calling the homeless back home

this is for all the shit we own

and for the day we’ll learn how much we have

when we learn to give that shit away

this is for doubt becoming faith

for falling from grace and climbing back up

for trading our silver platters for something that matters

like the gold that shines from our hands when we hold each other

this is for the grandmother who walked a thousand miles on broken glass

to find that single patch of grass to plant a family tree

where the fruit would grow to laugh

for the ones who know the math of war

has always been subtraction

so they live like an action of addition

for you when you give like every star is wishing on you

and for the people still wishing on stars

this is for you too

this is for the times you went through hell so someone else wouldn’t have to

for the time you taught a 14 year old girl she was powerful

this is for the time you taught a 14 year old boy he was beautiful

for the radical anarchist asking a republican to dance

cause what’s the chance of everyone moving from right to left

if the only moves they see are NBC and CBS

this is for the no becoming yes

for scars becoming breath

for saying i love you to people who will never say it to us

for scraping away the rust and remembering how to shine

for the dime you gave away when you didn’t have a penny

for the many beautiful things we do

for every song we’ve ever sung

for refusing to believe in miracles

because miracles are the impossible coming true

and everything is possible

this is for the possibility that guides us

and for the possibilities still waiting to sing

and spread their wings inside us

cause tonight saturn is on his knees

proposing with all of his ten thousand rings

that whatever song we’ve been singing we sing even more

the world needs us right now more than it ever has before

pull all your strings

play every chord

if you’re writing letters to the prisoners

start tearing down the bars

if you’re handing our flashlights in the dark

start handing our stars

never go a second hushing the percussion of your heart

play loud

play like you know the clouds have left too many people cold and broken

and you’re their last chance for sun

play like there’s no time for hoping brighter days will come

play like the apocalypse is only 4…3…2

but you have a drum in your chest that could save us

you have a song like a breath that could raise us

like the sunrise into a dark sky that cries to be blue

play like you know we won’t survive if you don’t

but we will if you do

play like saturn is on his knees

proposing with all of his ten thousand rings

that we give every single breath

this is for saying–yes

this is for saying–yes

I'll fight if you fight.

You can't tell me you don't feel anything. 

You can't say this isn't real. 

You can't pretend these feelings don't exist. 

You can't just walk away.

Because you do feel something. 

You do think it's real. 

You know these feelings exist. 

And walking away is nearly impossible. 

I'll fight if you fight. 

For this.

For us. 

So Easy

It's so easy with you.

Leaving all the bad behind,

I make room for your beautiful soul.

It's so easy with you.

In The Moments

In the moments that I felt it,
The long-awaited laughter,
The knowing glances,
The slow touches,
The late night conversations,
The dreadful goodbyes,
I knew you felt it too.

Scared

I'm scared.
Like really scared.
The kind of scared where you actually start shaking and you voice is wobbling and your trying so hard to be brave but you just can't because your scared.
And I'm trying my hardest to be brave but I'm really, really scared.
Scared of losing you. Scared of knowing you. Scared of touching you. Scared of being with you. Scared of letting you know me. Scared of loving you. Now that's scary.
Loving someone? That means letting go of what ties you down to the world. That means letting someone else touch you in the deepest and dustiest corners of your heart. The corners that haven't been touched for ages since he left you.
And what happens if it doesn't work out? What if he decides to leave you or hurt you? What if he decides he doesn't belong with you? What if he leaves. Without explanation. What if it doesn't work out?
Ah, but what if it does.
What if the dustiest corners of your heart are meant for him? What if he loves you unconditionally and makes you the person you want to be? What if you get married and have a million children and they all idolize their parents relationship so much that they want a relationship like that of their own? What if it was meant to be?
I'm scared.
Like really scared.
And the voice in the back of my mind says it might not work out.
But my heart says, "Ah, but what if it does."

My Forest Fire

It wasn't just a spark anymore. 

It was a forest fire.

Flaming and out of control we laughed.

And my heart leaped out of my chest. 

Just feeling your body heat next to me was lighting the spark that was now a forest fire taking over my very being. 

Because he makes me want to be a better person. 

He makes me a better person. 

He is my forest fire. 

God's Hand

Where is God's hand in a situation where a man beats his wife senseless in order for him to feel anything but numb?
Where is God's hand when a child unexpectedly dies when the parent looks away for two seconds?
Where is God's hand when your friend gets a disease that only miracles can cure?
Where is God's hand in the worst situations that you could possibly imagine?
Where is God's hand? Because I don't see it here. There is no control here. What do these people get out of their suffering? Pain? Grief?
And then I thought, "Ah, but what if these people grow? What if these people needed that in order to be who God created them to be? What if those difficult situations were tools to help us become closer to God?"
Why couldn't it be easy?
My answer to that is if we had easy, then we wouldn't know God in a depth that would bring us closer to him. We would be cold and distant. Only taking in God through stories other people tell, not our own.
So there is control in God's hand. And there always will be.

For Now

So this is what it feels like
Up late into the night
I don't like the sounds
Your voice echoes in my mind

Your body is a haunting hourglass
Sand dripping in my head
An overwhelming feeling
of the road and where it should have lead

I would have loved you back
Given everything I had
I would have been your first
And your very last

Because you deserve the 3:00 am "I love you's"
And the fights that lead to love
You deserve an epic fantasy
With all of the above

But you turned and walked away
With everthing you had
You got up and packed the boxes
Leaving me so sad

And every day is torture
Seeing you is scarce
But when I see you, it's with her
For me there's no second glance

I'm reminded of the way you looked at me
The way you never look at her
I hope you see my pleading eyes that say
"I wanted to love you first"

But now I'm left with memories
Screaming in my head
When all I want is you beside me
Laying in my bed

One day you'll see that I love you
Maybe not tomorrow or the next
But for now I'll love you right
In the ways it should be meant

Get Home Safe

The issue with loving someone else, is that once you start loving them, you can't stop.
Everything they do becomes everything you do, and your lives become so intertwined, even if you're not actually together. You sit, worrying about whether or not they made it home okay and send them a text saying "Get home safe."
That "get home safe" means something. It means, "If you were anything but safe right now I'd be at your side in an instant." It means, "Don't you dare leave me tonight because then I won't live to see the next day." It means, "I love you." And if you get a "get home safe" you're sure as hell getting an "I love you." Because if that person doesn't get home safe, you're screwed as well. Because them getting home safe, is all that matters.
Have you ever sat on the couch waiting for someone to come home? And when they don't get home on time or when you thought they would or said they'd be home, you panic?
That's me right now. I'm losing it. Because if my whole world doesn't get home safe right now, I will search for them until the ends of the earth collide.
The problem is, is that we're not actually together.
But even though we're not, I want him to get home safe.
I guess I'll hit send, just so he can know I want him home safe.