Control

Today I found out that someone very dear to my friend and myself, was dying.
When my friend told me this, I covered my hand with my mouth and sat for a few minutes speechless.
What was I supposed to say? That everything would be alright? Everything was not alright. He is dying. He had two weeks to live. He is dying and it is not going to be alright.
Immediatly, my first reaction was to get up and go somewhere alone so I could silently scream at God for the mess He'd created. Didn't He see what He was doing to the people who loved him?
I left my friend and stood in front of the school's bathroom mirror begging myself not to cry. I didn't want my friend to see me like this. I was not going to cry. I was not the weak one. She knew him better anyways, so why was I feeling so torn?
Because it was death. Death is final. There is no "oops" or "my mistake, here's your life back." There's only death. And he is a million years too young to have cancer that is so fatal he is going to die.
I felt as if my throat was going to cave in and I got a headache trying to hold in the tears for the rest of the day. My friend who knew him better was struggling with this MUCH more than I was. But she was holding it together oh so very well. The only feature that gave her away was her empty eyes when she looked at you. The eyes that begged "No. Don't take him yet. I am not ready."
He is not supposed to die. Not now. Not like this. God can't just take him. Death is final. My friend would be gone.
Gone. No. Not gone.
The realization hit my like a train on the tracks. His life was only just beginning. And as much as I hated to see him go, Heaven was where he belonged. Flying with angels and listening to God speak. Watching over her.
I still get angry at God. I am still angry with God. I want to scream and cry and throw things out windows, but I have to remember through all my mourning that it is not in my hands. This situation, is not in my hands.
I have no control.
God does.
I will be angry, confused, scared.
But God is in control.
And yes it's going to take a long time for my friend to be okay again.
But God is in control.
And I am going to cry for as long as she does. (My heart feels swollen with empathy.)
But God is in control.
And I must remember that through all of this.
Pray for a miracle? Yes please.